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Reading’s fun. Reading lyrics from our songs are even funner. Maybe the funnest. And with grammar like that, well, let’s just say there’s more where that come from. So go ahead, click on some songs, from our new EP entitled “Oh,” and from our less recentest album called “So Fine a Lady.”

Poetry

Listen, this is poetry
Rhyme this word with that one
Ready here it comes
Onomatopoeia
C’mon I wanna see ya
Come over here and give me some

Iambic pentameter
I get what you said
I’ve written something so romantic
So heartfelt and sweet
You’ll fall down and weep
I want to see you naked in my bed

Is that what girls like
Sweet somethings?
This is how you like me best
I can be soft and sensitive if that would help things
Or maybe not
I guess

Haiku
I like you
Your hair seems like a river
Now let’s get it on

Now that I’m a troubadour
Can you spare some time
You and I make such a perfect couplet
Epigram or sonnet
If it’s poetry I’m on it
Now let’s explore your feminine rhyme

Is that what girls like
Sweet somethings?
This is how you like me best
I can be soft and sensitive if that would help things
Or maybe not
I guess

Major General

The Major went down to the general store
To limp in to his-story
A 20-inch box for patella to toenail
To travel up the Potomac

Elbow to knee
Paper to pen
He didn’t know what to tell them…

I lost my mind the very first time…1859
Flowers for the missus, the missus gone amiss
In another mister’s trousers

I chased him down to Lafayette
Asked him for any last words
“O say can you see” was enough for me
I shot the son of a Francis Scott Key

Behind bars, I wait
Day turned a week
Counsel came to counsel me, desperate as can be
“I’ve got a crazy idea.

“You haven’t got a left leg left
To stand on,” Stanton said to me
They let me off I was the first not guilty
By reason of insanity

“With the compliments of Major General”
Sickles was his name
“With the compliments of Major General,
D.E.S.”

The second time I lost my mind…four years gone by
From Fredericksburg to Chancellorsville, the South gone bad at Gettysburg
Defiantly I stand

My many men met bayonets
A cannonball catches me
My leg is gone
I will remains

Chorus…
D.E.S.

Obsessive Compulsive Boy

Tired not tired he walks down the staircase
Twitching from hunger or so you might think
It’s midnight on a weeknight, but sleep isn’t coming
At least not until he scours the kitchen sink

Obsessive compulsive boy
Oh, obsessive compulsive
They call him Obsessive Compulsive Boy

The oven’s self-cleaning, but that’s not sufficient
For Obsessive Compulsive Boy
As soon as he’s done with that, he’ll rearrange the hat rack
And he’ll head outside to feed the koi fish

Obsessive Compulsive Boy
I don’t know why they call me that
Now pardon me while I wash my hands wash my hands wash my hands wash my
Hands of Obsessive Compulsive Boy

Hey kids, let’s go look at that strange man in the clean house
He hasn’t come outside for 20 days
We’ll drive him insane when we lock him in a closet
Where the clothes aren’t all facing the same way

I can see that you’re obviously jealous
Envious of my cleanly ways
And I can see that this room is in dire need of dusting
But I can’t see why you call me obsessive compulsive boy

Chorus

Intro

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Your mother’s favorite band…
Chip & Drifty

17th Chromosome

Weedle-eep boop
Weedle-eep boop
Weedle-eep boop
Weedle-eep boop

I-ee-I-ee-I
There’s no place like home
For me
The 17th Chromosome
And I want to go home
Yeah I want to go home

Cornering a killer
‘Cause killer’s all I know
They want to do away with me
Want to isolate my flaw

I’ve got friends in low places
Waitin’ for me
Waitin’ for me

I-ee-I-ee-I
There’s no place like home
For me
The 17th Chromosome
And I want to go
Weedle-eep boop
Weedle-eep boop
Weedle-eep boop
Weedle-eep boop
Home

Too Complex

Hey can I help it if I was born this way
I swear it’s not my fault
No I never been a high school quarterback
I’m not even half sure of just who
    I’m supposed to be

So stop your analyzing game
Never was anyone left to blame

So don’t matter you’re a few pounds over
Or under I don’t know what
They’ll whisper call you Miss Piggy or Twiggy
They picked out a suit, oh it’s just your size
But they don’t even know your name

She’s wiling away all her time
He’s timing her all the while

But it’s too complex complicated to tell you
I wish you would implicate we

No left turn
No right turn
What’ll I do?
Good mom and bad pop
What can I do?
Home sweet home

The other day I dreamed of my mom
And yeah, I dreamed of my horse
Paid my shrink to tell him my dream
And all he said was, “Oh, don’t worry son,
It’s just a Mr. Oedipal thing.”

May I return my Freudian slip?
I’d really rather tell you how it is with my

Too complex complicated to tell you
I wish you would implicate we

 

Sleep

Sleep my little one
Close your eyes
Sleep will find you soon
And so will I

Church

Wake up my darling my little wee one
Let me open the drapes and let in the sun
Your Sunday best are all cleaned and pressed
You’ll find them at the foot of your
Daily bed

Hey my little guy it’s gettin’ well past late
Don’t want to leave your family standing at the gate
Rise from the dead and be ready in three
Or you’re gonna get the gospel
According to me

Get the hell outta bed
Wash that shit off your face
I’ll kick your ass to kingdom come

God damn it
We’re goin’ to church
God damn it
We’re goin’ to church
God damn it
We’re goin’ to church
God damn it
Church

Get in the car
Get in the car,
God damn, I said get in the car
We’re gonna go to church
And pray for your soul

God damn it
We’re goin’ to church
God damn it
We’re goin’ to church
God damn it
We’re goin’ to church
God damn
Church

Amen.

Playtpus

I saw her riding a duckbill platypus
Something seemed quite strange to me
I wept as they rode off into the sunset
I don’t usually get so emotionally attached

I went to her roommate to see where I’d find her
He told me she’d gone and moved out on her own
I said, “Y’know she’s riding a duckbill platypus.”
He glanced at himself with an all-knowing smile

I’m looking out for a small aquatic egg-laying
    monotreme mammal

ornithorhyncus anatinus

I love its webbed feet, its beaver-like tail
    and its coy expression

Just like St. Francis and Grizzly Adams
I got a way with creatures of the land
And I know if it had a chance
It would eat right out of my hand

But the point is moot if I never find it

I called up the zoo I was getting rather frantic
Asking if they’re missing any animals at all
Mr. Zoo said, “Yes in fact, we’re missing a platypus.
‘Platys’ meaning flat and ‘pus’ meaning foot.”

I never found the platypus, I never found the girl
I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and
    cried and cried

For I knew that somewhere off in the distance
Walked a duckbill platypus
With a bad back

I’m looking out for a small aquatic egg-laying
    monotreme mammal

ornithorhyncus anatinus

I love its webbed feet, its beaver-like tail
    and its coy expression

Kill Mom

You didn’t have to kill my mom
She didn’t mean the things she said

A slip of the tongue
To a slit of the throat
Guess that’ll keep her mouth shut

You didn’t have to kill my mom
She didn’t mean the things she said

Tony Woo

Tony Woo was a murderous crime lord
Chairman of the city’s most powerful drug syndicate
Never caring whether who lived or died
Never caring about anything other than his wife

Tall and slender and pretty as a porch light
She had always been Tony’s only
Until that day when one man put asunder
Until that day when a…

Cop met crime lord Tony Woo’s wife
A cop met crime lord Tony Woo’s wife
A cop met crime lord Tony Woo’s wife
And he fell in love, fell in love

One look at Tony Woo’s wife and the cop went wild
His very sense of justice was lost
If he could only find a way to see her again
If he hadn’t turned wrong when he
    could’ve turned right
Wrong when he should’ve turned right

“Please Captain let me infiltrate
I’ll be undercover they won’t know it’s me”
Under the guise of law and order
He got approval and the…

Cop wooed crime lord Tony Woo’s wife
The cop wooed crime lord Tony Woo’s wife
The cop wooed crime lord Tony Woo’s wife
And she fell in love, fell in love

And oh, so much to lose
For the cop all the plaques and the medals
And for Tony Woo’s wife all the gowns and the slippers
And the chance that they’d both end up dead at the
    bottom of a river someday
But neither of them cared

The cop’s modus operandi was successful
As was his rendezvous with Tony Woo’s wife
The three formed a precarious friendship
And packed their bags for a lighthearted
    quail-hunting trip
A lighthearted quail-hunting trip

Tony Woo’s wife was begged to wear an orange vest
But she declined, said it wasn’t her style
Her feathers ruffled the cop mistook her
And Tony watched in horror as the…

Cop killed crime lord Tony Woo’s wife
The cop killed crime lord Tony Woo’s wife
The cop killed crime lord Tony Woo’s wife
And they lost their love, lost their love,
Lost their love

Tony Woo was a murderous crime lord
Isn’t it ironic that a cop killed Tony Woo’s wife

Dewey

Well the rain, my trike
Got rust the wheels

A train, hitchhike
God bless the wind

Dewey

Baldwin

I’ve got to be the biggest loser in the world
I get up just in time catch the bus
    to the Cinemark

Feelin’ small and tall
The usher’s name is Roger
And I sit front-row Joe so
In another world

I’m the last one in my family

I wanna be a Baldwin
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh
I wanna be a Baldwin
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh

This one might work for me
This one might work for me
This one might work for me
Alec, Adam, William, Steven
This one won’t work for me
No this one won’t work for me
This one won’t work for me
Yul, Louis, Patrick, Telly

Feeling cool
Saw some friends
They were sittin’ around talking about this friend
    of theirs who wasn’t around when they were
    talking about him

Home alone
Safe again
So I let the Bic do its thing to my misshapen head

I want to be a bald one
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh
I want to be a bald one
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh

Chordless

The photos in the back of my pants run
    from one to thirteen
There’s one of you followed by your
    twelve favorite fingerings

And they go seven, and eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
And your favorite number twelve

Fancypants

I walked up to your house
You had the screen door locked
But you’d invited me over for dinner
The smell of chicken cordon bleu
Cheese and butter croissants
Oh it smelled so delish…

Us, I thought we had a date at your place
At least I thought that’s where you said that
    we should eat
I vividly recall the conversation that we had
“Hi, can I come over?”
“Guess you can.”

Blow me off one more time
But only once more and then I really get mad
Who do you think you are?
Miss Fancypants from Nancy, France

I went to le café to meet you for caffé
At least I thought that’s where you said that
    we should meet
I couldn’t wait to hear of all the places you’ve been
And how you hate the Les États Unis

I waited and waited and waited and waited waited
Till the coffee and the coffee help got cold
I stoically removed myself I’ll half my revenge
Next time I’ll only wait and wait, wa

Blow me off one more time
But only once more and then I really get mad
Who do you think you are?
Miss Fancypants from Nancy, France

There’s a place in France where the naked ladies dance
There’s a hole in the wall where the men can see it all

Blow me off one more time
But only once more and then I really get mad
Who do you think you are?
Miss Fancypants from Nancy, France

Who does what make look stupid now?

Chickenshit Romeo

He gets off his horse
Saloon doors swing as he walks her way
Sit down ‘side the piano
“Are you playin’ my song?”

And she says…

He stands beneath her window
He’s read the play far too many times and he’s
Played guitar ‘til his fingers bleed and he
Sang the song behind closed doors
And he can’t recall a single thing he’s learned
So he hums the truth in a made-up verse
It goes…

Why am I a chickenshit Romeo?

She’s a shade behind her window
Just enough to see his silhouette below her sill
All he has to do is say the word
And she’s waiting for him to say any word
And she’ll keep on waiting ‘til he gets his nerve
Meanwhile a tune floats into her head
It goes…

Why am I a chickenshit Juliet?

And I got a letter almost sent
Same, last one
I meant to send

He rides alone for the last time
Front door slams as he reaches for guitar and pen
Thinking the right thing never said
Thinking of songs never sung
I’m the bravest man in the world when the
    world’s just me

Why am I a chickenshit Romeo?

And I got a letter almost sent
Same, last one
I meant to send

Birthday

I forgot your birthday
And I should’ve sent a card

And I shoulda said I’m sorry.
But you shouldn’t say you’re mine (good-bye)

Goin’ Away

I’m goin’ away on a little trip
I won’t be back
I lost the keys
    to the front of my door and
I’m sorry about that

I’ve got to stop apologizing
For every little thing
That I didn’t mean
‘Cause I’m gone gone gone
‘Cause I’m gone

And when I’m away on my little trip
I might stay long
I surely won’t search
The dresser drawer for a
Postcard to send to you

I’m gonna eat and sleep and drink
My way to happiness
I ain’t got no regrets
‘Cause I’m gone gone gone

I will remember this always
You will remember this never

You will wake up in the morning
Shave shower and go to work
Adequately
There will be time for plenty of pleasure
Later on in life
I had a dream last night

I was gone gone gone
I was gone gone gone

I’m goin’ away on a little trip
I won’t be back

Ant Invasion

Well they came up from underneath my woodworking
Yeah they came up from underneath my house
Now it’s not a stinging scorpion
And it’s not an Australian boxing mouse

It’s an ant invasion
Honey don’t let them in
It’s an ant invasion in my kitchen

They’re not the kind of ants you call the carpenters
‘Cause rainy days on Mondays never get them down
They’re the tiny ones that don’t go out alone at night
They walk in group of thousands you can hear their sounds

It’s an ant invasion
Honey we’re under siege
It’s an ant invasion put away that cheese
And finish off that…cheese

Ant invasion
Ant invasion

Ha! whare ye gaun, ye crowlan ferlie!
Your impudence protects you sairly;
I canna say but ye strunt rarely,
Owre gauze and lace ;
Tho’, faith! I fear ye dine but sparely
On sic a place.

Ye ugly, creepan, blastit wonner,
Detested, shunn’d by saunt an’ sinner,
How daur ye set your fit upon her,
Sae fine a Lady !
Gae somewhere else and seek your dinner
On some poor body.

It’s an ant invasion
Honey we’re at DEFCON 5
It’s an ant invasion
Are we still alive?
I think I’m getting hives

I tried all the leading pesticides
I even tried DDT and the Roach Motel
But it’s obviously they’d rather live within my walls
And listen closely for my dinner bell
(I don’t eat that fast food food)

It’s an ant invasion
Honey don’t let them in
It’s an ant invasion
In my kitchen